So last night I was looking for a photo in my “pictures” files on my computer. Of course I got distracted and started looking at all of my old photos and videos. I found a series of videos I had taken one night when Justin and I were working out at the gym. These were taken the summer before we moved to Canyon in 2009.
The videos weren’t too serious…. just us up at the gym being silly, dancing, singing, running on the treadmill, but I could hardly watch those videos.
Each one was about 2minutes long (about as long as my phone would video at the time)
And after the first one, I just wanted to delete them all.
But I made myself watch every single video.
In the videos I was laughing and making jokes and being loud. As I watched, I hated the awful words that were coming out of my mouth, I hated the tone with which I spoke to the others around me, my “self-entitled”, bossy attitude. It was so hard to see MY face and hear MY voice say those things, and be that way.
It was about 9 months after those videos were taken that Justin and I decided we needed to go to church. We didn’t know why and we didn’t know what was wrong, we just both felt like we needed to be “in church”.
All I knew was that sometimes I felt great living life the way I was, but sometimes I felt this empty, hollow, hurtful, broken feeling. I didn’t know how to make it go away.
Every movie I watched… every song I listened to on the radio…every status I read on face book suggested something I should try to make me happy (Buy this, try this, find this, drink, food, person, house, car, job, money) but in the end none of them worked.
You wouldn’t have probably known I was so broken at the time. I put on a great “face”, but the truth is that I was severely OCD / a struggling perfectionist/demanding/SELFSISH person. And I was miserable.
Justin and I started going to Mid-cities because some of his family attended church there (in my selfish mind I was just happy to attend a pretty church because I thought Justin and I would probably get married soon and of course we would want a pretty setting.)- I had it all figured out.
It took a while for me to finally understand how wrong I was, how wrong our culture is, and how poisonous this world, and the things it tries to sell us, can be. But once I understood…the transformation was like nothing I ever imagined.
I used to read the Bible occasionally at Christmas or Easter and I would WANT to believe, but I just found so many things that didn’t make sense to me. Why Jesus? Why a cross? Why the fall of man?
And most of all I was so self-centered that I couldn’t imagine thinking of God as Holy being who deserved to be worshiped.
The truth is that God has taken me from a selfish, lost, miserable person and he has changed my heart.
I didn't fix myself, only Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross was able to clean me
I have compassion for others, I want to help people that I don’t even know, and I have a DESIRE to humble myself and make God the most high. Am I perfect? NO not by any means, but when you follow Jesus he takes his desires and makes them your desires and every good characteristic in me is something I learned from him.
He has completely changed mine and Justin’s relationship too.
I can guarantee you that Justin and I would not be where we are today without God’s holy Grace and his work in us.
We would not be getting married, or loving each other like we do.
Culture might say this wedding is all about me because I am the bride. But I can tell you that I deserve none of the attention. It is only by God’s grace that we will get to have this special day.
I don’t know if this rambling blog will make sense to anyone…. but
I can’t live another minute without saying this.
I was a lost and hopeless person heading for disaster. I never went to church as a child, learned Bible stories growing up, went to church camp, or even ever felt that comfortable being in a church, but
I know now without a doubt
There is a God who created this Earth
He has a plan for how we should live on this Earth, how we should treat other human beings, our husbands and wives, and how we should raise our children
We are sinful creatures and we need a savior
That savior is Jesus Christ and if you don’t think you need him you’re not alone. I once felt that way. I didn’t need Jesus, I was doing just fine.
But now I thank him for every breath I take and every minute I have on this earth because I don’t deserve a second of his time or his Grace
But he gives it to me FREELY
A lot of people in this world are searching for the “secret of Life.”
I am 23 years old and I might not know much, but I already know what it is
If you give your life to Jesus,
You’ll finally begin to LIVE in a way you would have never thought possible.
What he has done for me he will do for you
and it doesn’t matter how many of his rules you have already broken. Trust me!
http://gospeljourney.com/
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